


Without a Doubt

by martian_potato



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Ezekiel Jones Remembers, M/M, Mama Baird, Non-Graphic Violence, Post-Episode: s03e07 And the Curse of Cindy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Some MI6 mentions, The Librarians are Loving and Supporting, small mention of Ray
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 12:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9272231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martian_potato/pseuds/martian_potato
Summary: In which Ezekiel Jones deals with things, there's a small mission, secrets get revealed, and there's a kiss or two.





	

Tensions were running high after the Cindy obsession debacle. With Jake’s and Flynn’s embarrassment causing them to retreat into the depths of the Library, and Cassandra and Eve storing the obsession potion somewhere, Ezekiel was left alone.

Alone to deal with the PTSD he never really sorted out.

The people rampaging up the stairs to get to Cindy had left him numb with flashbacks of the rage people from the video game. All he could feel was fear and panic and utter despair that he wouldn’t be able to save his friends again; he wouldn’t be strong enough to get them through the game. He wouldn’t ever _get out_.

He had been able to hold it together until the mission ended. He could feel the oncoming panic attack when he entered the Annex and his body recognized the presence of _home_. His hands were shaking uncontrollably, his heart was racing, and he couldn’t seem to catch his breath.

Making sure he was alone, he scrambled for the closest room he could lock. He sat with his back against the door and tried to steady his breathing with the techniques MI6 taught him. _In, out, focus on the mission. In, out, secure location. In, hold, out. Repeat_. 

Soon, his breathing evened out to a relatively normal pace. He found himself slumped against the door, completely exhausted. Hauling himself off the floor and leaving the room, he headed back into the main space of the Annex where he coded the backdoor to his apartment and left without a word to the others.

Once home, he forced himself to shower before he collapsed, knowing once the day was washed off he would feel better. However, when he closed his eyes in the shower, all he could see were the red eyes of the rage people, the red of his friend’s blood being spilled, red of his own blood splattering against the wall. Slamming his fist into the wall helped him focus on the fact that he was in the shower at his apartment where he was _safe_.

With the pain grounding him to reality, he shut off the water and got out. After getting ready for bed, he collapsed into his mess of sheets. Knowing the series of nightmares to come, he tossed back a sleeping pill in hopes he would sleep through them all.

The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was his phone lighting up with a text from Eve.

***

Ezekiel woke up when he landed on the cold floor. He had fallen out of bed when he had rushed to get out of the grasp of the sheets holding him down. His dream had been filled with rage people gabbing at him, biting into him, _but better him than the others, he couldn’t_ —

Wiping the cold sweat from his face, he glanced at the clock. _3:42 am_. After making a quick breakfast and coffee, he headed to the Annex to start his day. No one would be there for another few hours, giving him ample time to work on the security systems with the radio playing on the speakers. He would have to sneak out before they saw him and come back at a later time if he wanted to keep up appearances. They couldn’t know he was still dealing with the aftermath of the video game when they didn’t even know he _remembered everything_. 

He suspected Baird knew. She was trained, like him, to analyze people in case of threats. Although he knew he hid his symptoms well, he didn’t know if it was well enough to trick the other agent in their ragtag group. 

Thinking of her reminded him of the text he got from her last night. Opening it up, he read _“I’ll be at the Annex early if you want to talk.”_ He shook his head and let out a laugh. _Guess that answered my question_. He sent a quick reply of _“Thanks but no thanks”_ before putting his phone away and starting on the updates.

***

An hour and a half later, Baird was walking through the Annex main entrance. She walked to where Ezekiel was sitting with his feet propped on the table and took the seat next to him. After five minutes of silence, he finally looked at her to see that she was staring at him.

He sighed, “I’m not going to talk about it, you know.”

“I know. I just want you to know that I know you remember and are dealing with the collateral,” she said. “If it gets too difficult to manage alone, I want you to let me help you. Two pairs of shoulders are better than one when holding up the world.” She gave him a small smile and squeezed his shoulder before standing. “I’m going to the kitchen to make some pancakes. Want some?”

Ezekiel smiled and nodded, standing up to follow her into the kitchen to help. 

By the time the pancakes were ready, Jake had just shown up. He had seemed a little confused as to why Ezekiel was there earlier than late morning, but shrugged it off at the site of a plate of pancakes being placed in front of him. He shook his head and commented “Cassandra’s going to be pissed you didn’t wait for her to make these.”

Ezekiel let out a laugh. “As if she can cook anything other than cookies. I wouldn’t let her near breakfast foods.”

Eve shook her head. “You’ve just got to trick her mind into thinking it’s a dessert. Like chocolate chip pancakes. Anything without sweets and she’ll char it.”

With the three now occupied by breakfast (or in Ezekiel’s case, second breakfast), Ezekiel was able to forget about the nightmares of the night before.

An hour later, Cassandra walked in chatting about her morning jaunt to the grocery store. When she noticed the pancakes, she pouted before grabbing herself a plate and heading to the main area. The other two Librarians were standing by the clippings book, reading up on the latest case, while Eve was sitting at one of the tables going over a newspaper. Jenkins was nowhere to be found, which wasn’t all that uncommon.

She sided up with Ezekiel next to the book. “What’s the new case?”

“Laboratory in Switzerland under an emergency shut down for a few days. There’s been no contact with anyone inside,” Ezekiel said in a solemn voice, turning around and heading to the table Eve was sat at.

“Looks like a pretty big deal. We should head out soon,” Jake said, still looking over the articles for any clues.

Eve turned to Ezekiel, whispering: “Do you want to sit this one out? No one will think any differently of you.”

The thief didn’t look up from the table. “No. I can’t let the memories stop me from helping.”

Eve frowned. “Only if you’re sure. I don’t want you put in danger because of a flash—”

“I’ll be fine,” Ezekiel stated, standing up and moving towards the back of the room. He gathered together a backpack, heading into the Library to gather some weapons in preparation. He wasn’t going to walk into another unpredictable situation empty handed again.

***

An hour later, the team was ready to go. 

The backdoor opened and they all ran into a quiet, trashed facility. There were bodies littering the floor and papers everywhere, but no one alive in sight.

The team made their way through multiple hallways and rooms, running into only one person with black blood dripping from their nose and mouth that had attacked them. In fact, every body that littered the floor had black blood on their face and dripping from their bullet wounds. 

With a shot in the head from Colonel Baird, the crazed person fell to the ground.

Ezekiel quickly pulled a gun out of his bag, holding it in front of him similar to Baird. Jake and Cassandra shot him bewildered looks, but the thief plowed on to look for survivors. They didn’t know about the extent of his experience with MI6 or the video game, but he was going to protect them, no matter the cost.

Turning down some corridors and following the silence, they came to a sealed door. Eve took the front, knocking and yelling out “Hello? Are there any survivors in here?”

Not a minute later, the door was opened by a small woman who ushered them inside. After the team had cleared the entrance, it was slammed back shut.

“I don’t suppose you heard our broadcast? We’ve been on lockdown for days now! We’ve been sending distress signals but no one has answered until now,” the woman said.

Ezekiel frowned, looking around the room. There were eight scientists and one guard scattered about the room. The guard was the only one with a weapon. There was food scattered in the corners with first aid kits, but not much else in the way of supplies. He focused back on the conversation.

“I’m Colonel Eve Baird and I work for NATO. We’re here to help, but you need to tell us the full breadth of the situation.”

The woman took a deep breath. “My name is Maria Huerta and this is my team. We were working on a virus…”

A man piped up from the corner. “We were manufacturing a biological weapon, but there was an outbreak and we’re the only survivors.”

The woman frowned, peeved to be telling strangers government secrets. “The virus is transferred by body fluids and can’t be cured. We’ve been trying, but nothing has worked other than killing them. It seems the virus takes over the victim’s brain and targets their basic instincts, bringing violence and hunger to the forefront of their minds.”

“Do you know how many affected are out there right now?” Jake asked, gesturing to the door.

“About a hundred. We’ve killed some off already and, luckily, this base wasn’t heavily populated due to the nature of our work.”

Cassandra frowned. “And there’s been no success in contacting the outside world?”

Ezekiel looked at her, and she pointedly stared back at him. He pulled out his phone and tried calling Jenkins and the Annex’s backdoor with no luck. He looked back at Cassandra and shook his head. She let out an angry sigh.

One of the scientists sighed and said “Well, clearly you guys got our message!”

Jake turned to the others and asked “So, how do we get them out of here?”

***

“There’s got to be magic in the virus serum. There’s no way something manmade could cause a targeted outbreak like that. The victims are so random it doesn’t make sense,” Cassandra said, running a hand through her hair.

The Librarians were in one corner of the safe room, away from the scientists while they discussed a plan. So far, the only viable option was to draw the infected close to a room and kill them one by one. The only problem was that there were nowhere near enough bullets to get every rage—

Ezekiel shook his head, getting rid of his thoughts. _Breathe in, out, focus on the mission_.

“We could lead the survivors out one at a time, with just one of us. It minimizes damage if there is any and it will draw less attention from the infected,” Jake suggested.

“That sounds like our best bet. I can’t think of any other ways to do this that wouldn’t draw the attention of the infected. But I’d rather have two of us on every survivor. Ezekiel, did you—”

“I have two extra guns for Jake and Cassandra.” The thief took off his backpack and handed a gun to the other two Librarians. Cassandra looked pale, barely gripping the cold metal. Jake took it, but looked unsure. “You two know how to work these, right?” They both nodded. “Good. With the guard, we’ll have five weapons. That should be enough to get the eight scientists out alive.”

Eve turned and walked to the survivors, telling them the plan. “Who wants to go first?” The man from earlier stepped forward. “Okay. Ezekiel and Jake will take you.”

Jake looked worried, but shut down the anxiety when the scientist walked over to them. The guy outstretched his hand and said, “Call me Rob.”

Jake accepted the handshake, but dropped it as soon as he heard the door start to unlatch. 

Eve spoke up from the computer. “You remember the way out, right?”’

Jake was about to object when Ezekiel spoke, “Yes. Open the door.”

Ezekiel’s face was stone cold and emotionless. He looked like a soldier. 

_This is weird. I’ve never seen him look this serious except during the video game. Oh god, the video game. Does he remember?_ Jake shot the thief a strange look before focusing ahead. 

Without a word to the other two, Ezekiel took the lead with his gun raised. The scientist silently followed, backed up by Jake, glancing behind himself so often.

The first five minutes were uneventful, but two turns from the exit they ran into four infected. Within moments, Ezekiel had shot all of them in the head. When Jake looked at him in shock, the cowboy was only greeted with the sight of the same, blank Ezekiel. _He’s acting so weird_.

With the first scientist out and stationed 50 yards from the compound, the two Librarians headed back to the safe room.

With the two teams switching turns, most of the survivors had safely exited the building with minimal encounters with the infected.

With only Maria and the guard left, the team decided to all head out in one group. However, with everyone in a large group, they attracted several infected during the last run.

After Eve killed off the two in their way, the team had a clear shot to the exit. However, Ezekiel took one glance back and noticed the herd of infected running towards them. “Run! They’re coming! Run!”

The six of them got through the exit in time to slam and lock the door shut, so that the infected couldn’t get out. The survivors were all gathered in the field, discussion their options to getting to the nearest town.

The head scientist, Maria, was off to the side, wiping her nose.

Ezekiel glanced at her and saw her sleeve come back black. Without warning the others, he shot her in the head.

“Jones! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Eve yelled, whipping him around so he was facing her.

“She was infected. Look,” he pointed to the hole in her head, oozing black blood. He threw Eve a dark look. “Check the others.”

With the other survivors cleared, Cassandra called Jenkins to get them a door to the nearest town. Once they all had been dropped off, the team headed back to the Annex.

“We have to alert authorities about how many infected were left in there. How many did each of you kill?” Eve asked.

“Seventeen, not including Maria,” Ezekiel said.

“Four,” Jake spoke, dropping the gun on the table.

“None,” Cassandra admitted, looking down.

“That leaves about 80 if Maria’s earlier estimate was correct. I’ll let the closest town to the Laboratory know,” Eve stated, walking off while dialing her phone. 

Ezekiel wandered off, emotionless and silent. 

Jake turned to Cassandra. “Don’t be upset. Killing someone, even someone not in their right mind, isn’t something to be taken lightly. It’s probably best you didn’t.”

She gave him a smile. “Thanks, Jake. Maybe one of us should go talk to Ezekiel?”

Jake shook his head. “I think he just needs some space. I wouldn’t even know what to say to him.”

They looked in the direction Ezekiel had gone, hoping he would turn up before they left.

He didn’t.

***

Ezekiel hadn’t left his apartment in three days.

Some people would say he’s avoiding the consequences, he’s avoiding confrontation, and he’s being childish. Some people were called Colonel Eve Baird were texting him constantly to come back to the Library to talk.

He thought differently. _I didn’t even run away this time! Look at me, staying put. I’m not being childish_.

The flashbacks to the video game had been completely unpredictable and debilitating the last few days. He had grabbed his coffee off the counter without using the handle, and the heat to his palm threw him back to turning the burning hot pipe and _god why did I do this it hurts so much holy shit_ —

He had come out of the flashback with his mug in pieces on the floor and the coffee spilled everywhere.

At night, or whenever he actually fell asleep, he would dream of the infected running after the others, _his friends_ , and he wouldn’t be able to move. He couldn’t do anything except watch them die and deal with the reality that _it wasn’t going to reset_.

If he went to the Library to work, who knew what would happen to cause a flashback or panic attack? Then the others would know that he remembered everything, every loop, every story, every confession, and they’d want to _know_.

After the whole ordeal, he had taken the time to write down every significant loop’s story, omitting the ones where he shot himself in the head because _god let this end let this end I can’t do it anymore_ —. In each iteration, he learned new things about the others. He learned Cassandra loved watching horror movies, that Jake really enjoyed sunflowers, that Eve loved it when Flynn took the time to take her on a date.

There were some loops where he’d take Jake to the final fight, to see if he had any insight on how to work through the horde waiting for him the moment he stepped on the main level. Sometimes, he would turn to the cowboy, grab him by his collared shirt, plant one on him, and run into the horde to ignore whatever reaction Jake would have.

To try to work through the flashbacks, Ezekiel read through the stories he wrote down, reading about the quirks his team had and the look on Jake’s face after kissing him. He reminded himself of the things he had to keep hidden so that the others wouldn’t know he remembered. All of the little inside jokes, the confessions, the fears.

A knock on his door pulled him from his reverie. He got up to answer it, pulling it open to find Baird standing there with a stern expression and a pizza box.

“You need to talk. And probably have some actual food rather than Ramen.”

The thief let in the Guardian, hesitating by the door before following her into the kitchen. If she noticed the broken mug in the trash and the lack of food in the fridge, she didn’t comment on it.

After grabbing some pizza and a drink, the two settled on the couch with the news playing quietly on the TV. 

“Why have you been avoiding us for the last few days?” Eve asked, turning to him.

Ezekiel sighed, setting down his pizza slice. “The flashbacks have gotten pretty bad. I didn’t want to get one and freeze up in a middle of a mission or conversation and have the others realize.”

“You know, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if the others knew.”

“It would be different. They’d always expect the absolute best from me and I can’t give that every single time. It’s not who I am.” Ezekiel looked down. “It’s just easier for me when they don’t know. I have to keep the panic attacks and the memories at bay around them and I have to watch what I say, but I’d rather deal with that than their reactions to it.”

“If you explained to them what happened, they’re not going to act any differently around you. I’d make sure of it. Just because they’re not soldiers doesn’t mean they already don’t suspect certain things,” Eve stated.

“You think they already know?”

“I think Cassandra has her suspicions and Jake thinks you’ve been acting ‘weird’ since that mission,” Eve raised her eyebrows, giving Ezekiel a pointed look.

The thief sighed again. “Okay, maybe I’ll tell them.”

“Tomorrow?” the Guardian asked.

“Yeah. Tomorrow.”

***

That next morning, Ezekiel walked into the Library only to find the others sat at the round table already. Everyone looked at him, but Jake was the first to speak. “When did you learn how to use a gun like that?”

Cassandra gave the cowboy a look. “I think what he meant to say is: are you okay? We were worried about you these last few days.”

Ezekiel sighed and took a seat. “I’m fine. I learned how to use a gun when I was in MI6. They don’t let you in without like two years of training first.”

“Well, you’re clearly not fine. You know you can talk to us, right?” Cassandra said, imploring him to talk.

At Eve’s pointed glare, Ezekiel started off. “You guys remember the video game, right?” At the two other LIT’s nods, he continued. “I remember everything.”

His friends seemed a little surprised, but both had the face of dawning realization.

“Every loop I went through is like seared into my mind. It’s…hard, especially when something triggers a flashback or a panic attack. I’ve been coping just fine, but sometimes it’s hard when the missions usually have triggers.”

“The infected people and the crazed people from Cindy’s potion.” Cassandra said, eyes widening.

“Yeah. So I’ve just been at my apartment sorting through the—” he gestured vaguely at his head.

Jake shook his head. “Damn, man. I’m sorry we didn’t realize sooner.”

“It’s not your fault. I hid it pretty well.” Ezekiel smirked a little, before letting it drop.

“Did you know?” Jake directed the question at Eve.

“It’s not easy to hide PTSD from a fellow soldier. MI6 is one hell of an operation, but government agents are all one in the same.” Eve said, putting a hand on the thief’s shoulder.

“I just…I don’t want you guys to act any differently around me,” Ezekiel admitted.

“We wouldn’t have! We won’t. But the way you were acting in that laboratory was kind of…weird,” Jake mentioned.

“Scary.” Cassandra interrupted.

“I just couldn’t let you guys get hurt on my watch. Not after having to watch it over and over.”

Cassandra stood up and went to the thief, giving him a hug. “I’m glad you trusted us enough to finally tell us.” She let go quickly, turning to Eve and asking about Flynn’s whereabouts.

Jake stood up with Ezekiel. “Maybe we can talk in the kitchen?”

The thief nodded, following him to the kitchen where there were two mugs of coffee already awaiting them. Jake glanced at the ceiling, muttering a quick “Thanks, Ray” before turning back to Ezekiel. “You know I do appreciate you telling us, right?” At Ezekiel’s nod, he continued. “I hope you tell us sooner in the future, though. We were really worried about you because we care about you. I really care about you.”

Ezekiel looked up from his mug. “Really?”

Jake nodded, his voice lowering. “Maybe more than I probably should care about you, but I do.” He set his mug down onto the counter.

Mimicking the cowboy, Ezekiel put his mug down and whispered, “Are you sure that’s what you really want?” 

“Without a doubt,” Jake whispered back, leaning into the thief’s personal space.

The thief smiled and leaned in the rest of the way, melding their lips together.

When they broke apart, they were both smiling. “I’ve been wanting to do that again ever since the video game,” Ezekiel admitted.

“Again?” Jake asked, hands going around the thief’s waist.

“I might’ve kissed you a few times. Knowing we were going to die anyway really makes a guy’s feelings become way more prominent.”

The cowboy laughed, tightening his hold on Ezekiel. “Well, I’m glad I’ll remember the ones from now on.”

Ezekiel kissed him again. “Me too, cowboy. Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally supposed to focus more on MI6 themes and how it affected Ezekiel in life. However, it got away from me and I actually like the way it turned out. 
> 
> Come say hi or ask me anything on Tumblr at martian-potato.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
